Blog

What I'd like in a woman? O.o

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:35:00 -0500

A lot of people have told me lately I should make a list of the ideal qualities I’d like in a woman; problem is, I’ve never been incredibly good at figuring what those are and never made a list of the qualities I think would mesh well with me. I’ve never felt I can justify even wanting particular qualities. I’m learning to, though.

There have been women in my life I’ve wanted. I don’t mean just physically; I mean I’ve loved so many things about them and felt that I wanted them as part of my life for the long term, been willing to bend and break to make things work. One woman in particular made me feel this the strongest, and still does, though things didn’t work out for that to be so, at least for now if at all. Some was lack of communication; I never knew how to say wat I needed and wanted, and held my tongue because I just didn’t feel it was right for me to even say some things.

I also understand that what we want and what we chose are often two different things; compromise is part of life, like it or not. But, if I could just create my own version of the “perfect woman”, which of course we all no doesn’t exist (neither does the perfect man), what would I want?

Well, here’s something, then. This is not a ‘must have’ list, but an ‘it would be awesome if’ list. Please don’t take it too terribly seriously; it was hard enough for me to even bother making it. It’s also not complete, and will likely grow and/or change as time goes on.

- wants to be a part of my life, not have me build a life around her, and is willing to wait for me to build that life before asking to become a major part of it

- enjoys having me read to her, regardless of what it is, and loves to fall asleep against me each night while I read to her

- likes to read magazine/newspaper articles to me that we both find interesting, and doesn’t mind repeating parts for me or having me following along from over her shoulder as she reads out loud, knowing I do that because of my LDs and not just to be rude

- likes to lay against me sometimes while I play video games and either read a book/magazine or even watch me play, and might even help by offering suggestions or reading players guides when I get stuck once in a while

- plays video games with me sometimes, especially MMO games, but plays at the same speed I do and doesn’t rush ahead of me. Loves L2 or is willing to try it and understands my passion for it, even if after trying it she doesn’t enjoy it as much as other games

- loves D&D/role playing, and enjoys having me GM; understands it’s just a game and doesn’t get angry because of what happens in-game or bring out-of-game issues with other people in-game

- loves to watch me sword fight, has her own opinions on the sport and it’s politics, encourages me in my learning and teaching of it, and might even get into the A&S of the SCA

- loves to cuddle, but won’t guilt-trip me into cuddling when I’m too hyper or don’t feel like it

- loves to hear me sing, encourages me to when I randomly start singing around the house and always encourages me to sing the whole song beginning to end instead of interrupting me half way through, but doesn’t push me *too* hard when I just want to sing a couple lines

- will be my partner and equal, not insisting that she or I be the “alpha” in the relationship; won’t be constantly competing for dominance or “taking over”. Love shouldn’t be a fight or competition for dominance. There doesn’t *have* to always be one alpha and one beta. Love is a partnership, a team effort; we work together, compromise as needed and take turns as needed. If you think that you have to be dominant just because I’m not being so at the moment, then you have some issues you need to fix

- understands that though money is important for living, it’s not worth fretting too much over. Money has it’s uses, but being without is not the end of the world

- loves to go to karaoke with me, even just to watch and encourage me. Also likes how I dance and likes to go dancing with me

- if/when living together: feels that having her own possessions is important, but views helping good friends is more important than weather I’ve asked her first for her permission to help our friends with her stuff; everything has a ‘single owner’, but while together it’s not as important what’s ‘yours’ or ‘mine’

- likes to play wrestle sometimes, but doesn’t care if we don’t get terribly rough

- likes to have evenings where we have friends gather either at a bar/pub or at our house for an evening of socializing, over movies, board games, etc.; just an excuse to enjoy the company of our close friends and not be isolationistic and anti-social

- likes to experiment sexually, even in little ways. Wants to help me explore my sexuality in little ways. Is willing to try slightly less usual things, like sex in a public place, etc.

- has a darker, seductive side sometimes

- loves the stories I write has stories of her own, and even collaborates on some with me

- loves Sci-Fi and/or Fantasy; enjoys watching various series/movies on DVD, sometimes as
short marathons

- loves listening to lots of different kinds of music

- understands that I am a bit scatter brained, and that I get worse when I’m stressed; doesn’t hold that against me all the time, either, and is willing to help me de-stress when I start getting overly scatter brained

- likes it when I comment on how attractive she is, or how she turns me on even when she’s not trying, and compliments me in a similar fashion.

- if/when living together and my store is open, knows that running a business takes a lot of my brain, and is willing to help look after the home finances, but won’t “take over” and be a financial dictator

All I want for christmas

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 13:16:42 -0500

This little piece of technology has everything I could want or need to keep my whole life organized and on-schedule. Forget a PDA, this is everything I'd need for the next 10 to 20 years, weather I go back to school, get a steady job, or open my own business. I can keep a day-planner, set alarms, do spreadsheets and word-processing, listen to music... Read More, chat on MSN Messenger & Yahoo Messenger, view books in PDF, surf the internet... It's perfect for what I need, and gaming has nothing to do with it as it's just barely not powerful enough to play my games, which would be a distraction right now anyways. The only other thing I'd want for Christmas would be $ to pay off bills.

MY f*cking education, and mine alone.

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 03:52:19 -0500

So I've made the decision. Why am I going for the New Venture Creation Major diploma through TRU?

Because I'm sick of being looked down on because I "don't know what I'm talking about" and because I haven't completed school. All my closest friends have gone to university or are going to university; heck, my uncle is finishing a PhD for crying out loud!! I'm sick of not making a decision because I'm thinking too much of what other people think I should do, or because it's something I think I might be good at; I want this, because it's something I WANT, not because I think it will give me a steady job or because I think it's "fun". I know I can do this, I've been doing it already for the last 5 F*CKING years with my business plan. I may as well get a f*cking diploma out of it, too, and maybe even a fucking PhD! With this under my belt, maybe the CFDC will take me a hell of a lot more seriously,; hell, maybe everyone will. I'll be able to hang the diploma on the wall and say with pride, "Hell yes, I F*CKING KNOW what the hell I'm talking about!!"

Problems with Kim...

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 04:06:54 -0500

I admit, I've not always been the easiest guy to live with on a day to day basis. I don't handle stress well, and it makes my Tourettes & ADHD much more severe the more stressed I get.

Right now, I think I'm at my worst. I'm so stressed I can't concentrate on much for more than a minute or so. I need time to ease that stress - and I mean a lot of time. As in a couple of months without all the stresses that made me this bad. Instead, it's been getting worse. The problem is she has been expecting me to be better in a matter of a couple days, when it's a couple of months I need. Every day stresses are fine - normal job, paying bills, doing chores, etc. I have been suffering from way beyond that, though - Move went bad, massive expences, job unstable, job more stressful than an 'average' job, health problems...

And her coming down on me for forgetting to close the fridge is not helping at all. She's been under a lot of bad stress, too, and I get that. I'm not saying my stress is worse. I am saying she needs to back off about the little things I do wrong and just let it go; the good things will get better if we both have the time to recover. She complains about people not being adult enough to take care of their share of things, but how childish is it to expect everyone to get things at her view of perfection overnight?

She has no idea how rare and special she is - she can do things and knows things that most people don't even consider. But she has an arrogance about it, expecting everyone to be able to work at her level. She doesn't seem to understand how far above everyone else her level is. Even people who are successful in their chosen vocations aren't at the level of intelligence and capaility she has. Finding a man to match her in EVERY way is so improbable it may as well be impossible, just as it is for everyone. But I KNOW I can match her well enough for us both to live long, happy lives - if we both take the time to heal first.

Catching up, Pt. 1

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:37:31 -0500

So it's been a long, long time since my last blog. A lot has happened. Where should I start?

Well, I moved to Williams Lake in April. Stayed with my friend Kim; the original plan was for me to get a job and then my own place. I've known Kim for over 6 years now; we met at Clinton War. She's always been special to me, moreso than anyone else... your 'first' always is...

Well, the plan was for me to crash with her untill I had a job and a place. One problem; we ended up falling for each other. Hard. in ways neither of us had expected. And I'm not questioning Life throwing us back togeather after so long - We were together for a reason, I feel. I started singing again, and I was even getting those cases of "Deja Vu" I get when I'm on the right path in my life... I'm where I'm meant to be. And i don't just mean geographically lol

So I started applying for work. The Source said I had the job, then suddenly said I didn't... apparently there was something on my criminal record check. I went to ask the RCMP "WTF?" and they said there's nothing on my record... So I'll be looking into suing their asses.

So I found a video rental store that was up for sale... and figured I'd look into it. I found out that, yes, the Entrepreneurs with Disabilities program had been brought back! Well, I went right into 5th gear... and went nowhere. The owners and the Realter all dropped the ball. Over 2 months, I waited for something as simple as a full inventory of the business, including the titles they had, and the last 2 years od financial records. They gave me some shit they typed on MS Word, with nothing from a bookkeeper or accountant to back it, and even the bankers who I showed it to said "WTF?" when they saw it.

So I looked for other work. I found it at the local Dollarama... and nearly went psycho. I've never seen a retail business so poorly; they were so overstocked it was sickening... literally.

After I quit there, the video store i was trying to buy... gave me a job lol. I admit, though, I was stupid and only put as much effort into that business as the owners did into running it. Which was practically nothing. And they fired me for it. I was stupid; I should have taken the oppertunity to show them I was a better person and suited to owning the place, not just working it. I learned my lesson.

It was while all this with my employment that Kim got sick and had to take time off work. A grand total of 4 weeks. I did what I had to do and kept us afloat, and was ok with that. It was wwhen we both got fired (and she was fired illegally, so rest assured we're suing the bastard) and made a hard decision. I'd travel back to Kamloops, seccure a job, and move her down at the end of September.

So I went, and crashed with Draven. That was a laugh that i won't get into, asside from saying that for the last 2 weeks he and I were in that place, we had no power at all :P

But I got a job at Convergys doing AmEx non-sales customer service, and ended up switching into sales not long after training, and the only place to live I could find that me and Kim could afford was something Draven found, actually... Me, Kim, Draven, his son Lane, my buddy Don, my friend Sean I met at work and Seans fiance` Sara - All living in a 6 bedroom, 3 full bath, $500,000 home. Wonderful! We all get along, and I can trust these people to pull their own weight ^_^

Boy, was I wrong.

To start, we all agreed at the beginning how much we each nead to put out for food for the house - $150. We sat down and did the math and all agreed, that ammount per person was cheap and worth it, and they all agreed to pay it. Well, paydays were weird and food was needed for those of us working full time, so food was bought.

Draven kicked in $100 for himself and Lane togeather (that's -$200 short of the agreed ammount), Sean and Sara put in $110 for them both togeather (that's -$190 short of the agreed ammount), Don paid $0, I paid $250 (that's $100 more than the agreed amount), and Kim paid $690 (That's $540 over the agreed ammount). That was just for October. It is now November and NO ONE has paid up. Kim now is short $ for her medication, dental work and her Divorce. And get this: They all feel they had to pay too much! Excuse me? You've all been eating like Kings on someone elses pocket book and you say you're paying too much!?! Fuck that!

In other news, Draven's been on a constant power trip and somehow snagged the biggest bedroom in the house (that also has a private full bathroom), despite the fact he's technically single and his kid has his own room. the 2 couples are smooshed into the smaller rooms downstairs, and Kim's health has been up and down so stairs aren't her best friend right now. The fact that he has disrespected both Kim and I repeatedly and questioned our trustwortyness on several occasions means nothing, anyone who dares question his honor is just being jealouse and spiteful? Bullshit.

Sean and Sara have been eating a lot, yet bitch that things are too expensive; they're even only paying for 1 bedroom rather than 2, while Kim and I have 2 of the rooms but pay for em both. Sara also has a bad habbit of NOT DOING ANY CHORES!!! She gets Sean to do them for her! She is turning out to be such a spoiled daddies-girl. Their biggest gripe has been food costs - despite we're each only paying $150 per person and eating like Kings! Too much? EXCUSE ME!?! After all of that bullshit, we are no longer sharing the food at all and fending for ourselves. They'll see soon enough that what we had was awesome.

So far the one that I've had the fewest complaints about has been Don, and the only problem we've had has been his noise level, but considering that we haven't had a lot of luck closing the bedroom door (long story), and Draven has been fucking women so loudly it's been keeping Don up till god-knows-when (which he goes and games to avoid having to listen to that), that it has been a bit understandable in my mind.

Kim and I have been having our own issues, on top of all that, but I'll gripe about that in a seperate blog. But that's everything so far in as much of a nutshell as I can put.

Poly-filla no more

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 11:40:40 -0500

Why do I keep falling for women that just use me to fill a gap for the moment, then drop me like a stone in the ocean at the first opportunity? I was willing to give up everything for her. Everything. Boy, was I stupid. After all we'd shared, she drops me like a rock in the ocean for the guy who's already there, who's been in the background for years. Doesn't tell me about how deep things are with him untill after she gives herself to him. It hurt me. A hell of a lot. More than I thought it would. She didn't do it to hurt me, she did it because it felt right. It didn't hurt because she had sex with him. It hurt because she made love to him. I can feel it, her heart is going to him, and I'm left in the cold, alone. So much for not getting into something with anyone for a while.

We got close, she and I, and I thought we'd felt the same, and she throws me away like yesterdays newspaper in an instant. She said she was backing things up because she wasn't ready to get serious. Is it coincidence that, after being as intimate with me as our distance will allow, she drops me like a rock less than a week before sleeping with him? So much for giving me that chance. Even now, I can feel her gone, farther away from my heart than she's been since we met. She keeps pulling further & further from me, and closer & closer to him; I can feel her go. Did she intend to do this? Probably not. Did she lie to herself about how she felt about me? Probably.

And people wonder why I'm so unwilling to fall in love again, why I keep my distance. Because I keep getting hurt by women who say they love me but are really just using me to fill an emotional gap until something else comes along, or until the first test.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of being used, I'm sick of chasing, I'm sick of being tossed aside. You want a brief fantasy? That I can do. That's easy. You want someone to stand by you for the long haul? Prove it. As far as I'm concerned, I'm done being treated like human emotional poly-filla. I'm not going there again until someone shows they're gonna meet me half way.

Korona Reborn L2 and DrunkenL2

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 20:10:42 -0500

Well, I still have people insisting I open my old server to them, and wanting to know why I haven't. So far I don't have nearly enough RAM to run the server properly. I have 512MB with on-board shared video that can take up to 256MB of the RAM for itself; nowhere near enough needed to run the latest server files. On top of that, I still haven't had any luck finding any work. For a server of this nature, I should have preferably 2GB of RAM, plus a dedicated video card of at least 128MB. I can start and run the server (barely), but it takes 2 hours to start, and I can't run ANYTHING else when I do. How am I supposed to do any decent bug fixes when it takes 2 hours to start every time I need to shut it down to implement a fix? >_< If you people really want me to open my server, then you can bloody well buy me the frikkin hardware. Otherwise, Just go play on DL2 and I'll tell YOU when Korona is up. In, like, 2 years most likely.

As for DrunkenL2, Things are going not too bad there, but they could be a hell of a lot smoother. The oldschool clan was finally banned, every last one of them. Good riddance. They've caused more problems than they were worth right from the day they got to DL2. Homero is doing his usual kick-ass job on getting the Kamael software working on the test server, and all the staff is bending over backwards to help with the testing. The custom Elpy Event that I created and Homero wrote the code for ended up being a disaster last October, because I wasn't able to test anything very well due to real life getting in the way, and DrunkenDave & Beowolf went ahead and threw it on there anyways; not only did the Elpies not work properly, they were placed in the wrong places, well out of the way of players. And yet Those guys have left them up for the last few months... O.o... More often than I'd like, those guys don't make any sense to me. So I'm going to recommend that all the custom Elpies and the Rakoln NPC be removed from the server, and do some re-writing of them myself as well as recommend a new event idea I came up with. Once the Kamael changes are working, I'll submit the new Elpy event format changes.

Duke Nukem Forever? O.o

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 12:40:13 -0500

Okay, this game was the original reason the term Vaporware was created. It was supposed to be released over 10 years ago in 1997. 3DRealms has been promising this game the whole time with little to show for it. Will we finally see the Dukester one last time? Or will this be yet another false promise by 3DRealms? *pff* I'll beloeve it when it hits the shelves, myself...

Yup, still kinda stupid...

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 03:46:47 -0500

Ok, people are asking how I've been, so I guess that means it's time for another blog ^_^

So I've been sick for a while. Almost a month and a half, really. It got pretty bad there, but I figured I could handle it and I wasn't that bad. I figured I was just hungry, because I'd pretty much ran out of money and most of my food around the first week of November, so I was trying to make what little I had stretch. Kelly moved in without any issues in the last week of November, which I was thankful for. He helped me clean a bit and work through some things that have been mulling in my head a while. Mentally and emotionally, I feel a lot better. Then he tells me the whites of my eyes and skin are going yellow.

Yellow? That's not a good sign at all. Turns out I had a mild case of Jaundice, caused by massive malnutrition. So much for being able to handle it by myself. At least ,y health really was as sh#tty as I'd felt. So Kelly kicked my a$$ and made me actually eat. I'm a lot better, and the Jaundice symptoms are pretty much gone.

So things are slowly picking up again, Yule is coming up in a day or two, and I'm feeling pretty good about life. I did my budget, and I'll be able to start paying my debts finally and maybe even get a Christmas present or two. I just hope I can get my voice to clear up enough to sing at Yule lol.

My IMVU General RPing Character info ^_^

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 04:57:43 -0500

Username: TavisMacRaith
Name: Tavis MacRaith
Nicknames/titles: Tavis, Tav, JT, Bard, The Seeker
Age: Unknown (appears in mid to late 20s)
Height: 6'4"
Race: Varies (Usually appears as human or feline sapien)
Powers: Unknown
Alignment (using the D&D 3.5 system): Chaotic Neutral / Chaotic Good
Favorite Quotes: (list is too long to post)
Personal Theme Song: Session by Linkin Park

Tavis MacRaith is an enigma. Appearing as a Bard, he travels through various lands, often stopping at the Red Dragon as he passes through the region. Formerly a Prince in a not-to-distant Kingdom that was recently ravaged in events unknown, he has left his throne in the hands of a steward, after helping to rebuild the kingdoms defenses, while he wanders on a personal quest of which the details are unknown. His often youthful demeanor often masks wisdom well beyond his apparent age, and is known to quote words of wisdom from sages throughout the ages. Though he appears young, he is actually very old, possibly a few hundred thousand years or more, and his true age is currently unknown.

The extent of Tavis's abilities has never been accurately measured. He possesses some magics, though he does not employ them often, and so the full extent of his abilities is almost entirely unknown. he is suspected of being an empath and possibly a telepath, as well as may hold some healing magics. He may possess defensive and destructive magics, but none have been accurately reported by any witnesses.

Tavis is the current holder of the title of "The Seeker of Truth", and as is known, once called as The Seeker only death can end this calling; recently, though he apparently has temporarily set aside his "official" duties and position for reasons unknown. As far as is known he still wields the Sword of Truth, though none have seen him actually carry it for some time. It is suspected he may have placed it in a safe or sacred place until such time as he feels ready to wield it once again, but there has been no proof to this extent. He has been known to speak High Elven from time to time, but has yet to master that language.

Tavis has a high respect for bards, and a great love of music of all kinds. He seems to treat music as a language of it's own, and will often buy drinks for bards that show some aptitude. He has been known to be generous, though none have seen him act in anger (none that can report of it, anyways). He seems generally good natured, and always enjoys intelligent conversation. Though he can be quite patient with people in general, he does not have as much respect for those that show arrogant ignorance. He abhors fighting out of anger, but is a capable fighter when necessary. He respects warriors and swordplay as an art form, but loathes violence and avoids combat if possible.

His romantic life is something he has been keeping close to himself of late. Few know where his heart and loyalties lie, but they definitely belong to someone. He shows a high respect for people in general, and tends to get thoughtful and a bit quieter whenever romance or love enter the conversation. He has a low tolerance for men who treat women disrespectfully, but also a low tolerance for those who forcefully meddle in the affairs of others when such meddling is not asked for.

Tavis's knowledge of the mystical realms can be quite extensive, and his knowledge of related alcoholic beverages also somewhat extensive. His travels have taken him to worlds such as Krynn, Faerun, Eberron, Aden, Elmore, Azeroth, Cyrrodil, Oblivion, the Midlands, and beyond; though he admits his explorations of all these places is far from complete.