Peter J.T. Langdon

Is D&D Evil?

I've been playing D&D for several years, and I've been a DM a few times. I'm far from an expert at the game, but I do enjoy it. Oh, and btw, IT'S NOT EVIL!!! Saying that D&D is evil is like saying a hammer is evil, or a computer is evil, or your car is evil. Yes, a hammer, in the wrong hands, can crush a mans skull; but in the right hands can build a shelter from the storms. It's how the things are used that is good or evil, not the objects themselves. D&D is the same way. You can use it to tell vile tales of debauchery, or you can tell stories of good vanquishing evil. The choice is in your hands.

My current D&D Campaign:
Ebberon - The Age of Worms

Paladin

Wow, a paladin class that works!

-drool-

Rebalanced Paladin

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo
by Richard Aronson [aronson@sierratel.com]

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games, he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer. Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: [pause] It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: [pause] It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: [pause] I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: [pause] I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow. [roll to hit] What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: [pause] Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: [whimper] But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: [long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.] I run away.
ED: [thoroughly frustrated] It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: [reaching for his dice] Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. A little vocabulary is a dangerous thing.

Movie Review by Joseph M. Nock

Movie Review:
Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight

Where to start? I was always bad at beginnings... just like this movie. Currently I am about 10 minutes into this depressing recreation of a very popular book and already every part of my being is screaming for a break.

They went for a classic feel while combining computer enchancements with traditional and time honoured techniques. They deviated from the stories openning to streamline the information and capture the attention of the viewer. This is akin to gathering together all the ingredients for mamma's slow cooked turkey dinner and trying to make a Spam on white sandwich. It looks and feels like something that was dredged up from a time in my life when He-man and G.I.Joe were brandnew.

The poses and animation are so classic to the point of corny: Barrel chested and overexaggerated without a hint of personality. As for the unfolding of plot... from the very beginning they take the plot, roll it into a tight club and beat the viewer in the face mercilessly until we beg for the sweet touch of death.

Here is a rundown. Warning there are *Spoilers* written here... like how the Surgeon General puts *spoilers* on your cigarettes so it ruins your cancer filled surprise ending...

Surprise!

Space, explosions, a red dragon, a lance. Zoom in on the planet. Well, everything is blue water and green land except for the continent sized pillar of smoke burning. Lets zoom in on that shall we? Oh look, more red dragons and goblins and... Well they just jumped the gun here I suppose. Lets check out near by... here we go, a town and a large inn in a tree. Some goblins slitting a mans throat. Well, I am guessing he slit his throat really, he just sort of stood behind him and waved a clean sword around. Could be acupuncture. Oh well, into the tavern we go. Zoom!

Que characters!
Fizban: Gone are the mousecoloured robes, unless by mouse coloured the books actually meant standard light grey. Gone is sense of madness brought about by old age. Our first taste of him is a plot revealing (look back at that club comment again) talk with Tika the barmaid. No talk of "tables in the wrong place" and so forth.

Tika: Well, shamelessly large breasts, red hair... they got that from the book I suppose. No real taste of "girl next door" however, unless your neighbour is Hugh Heffner.

Change scene to somewhere else, a man in dragon armour is having a heart to heart talk with the eldest evil the realm has known. east lands burn... she tells him to find a staff. I can only hope she is referring to the staff that worked on this movie, because I would like to find them and give them a piece of penta-headed justice. Some chick with batwings arrives and the man in armour tells her she is the only one he can trust. Well this is good, already I am so attached to this man that I just met needed to know that his life is devoid of companionship and trusted comrades. She nods, jumps off a cliff and turns into a dragon. I suppose this whole scene was included in the uber-secret directors version of the novel I grew up reading.

New scene. Here comes Aragor- err, Tanis Half-elven. Brooding and sulking as he walks in his bright green clothes on this sunny autumn day. He meets a dwarf. Oh wow, they are old friends. Handy that noone else uses roads these days. He moans about the pain of being halfelven and they take about four steps towards town when suddenly they experience a random encounter!

*rolls some dice* Okay, we have a hobgoblin coward and a small band of goblins. They attack, screaming something about a staff again. Seems our heroes failed initiative. Goblins start dropping like the CR 1 puppets they are, however one gets the best of Tanis and takes him to the ground. They share words, the goblin insults Tanis' half-blood heritage (man, every seems to know about it) and then seems to ejaculate a porno sized load from his mouth onto Tanis' face. I suppose it was meant to be spit, but in reality it looks more like this mighty demihuman monster was eating paste before the battle. Hasselhoff, I mean Tasselhoff arrives, saves the day with an expertly placeD attack and they resume they travels, leaving the bodies to rot on the road in the noonday sun.

This is about as far as I have made it so far. Someone call Geneva and let them know of the inhuman treatment this movie is subjecting me to. Either way, I should get back to it.

I will report anything of worth as it surfaces when it surfaces... if it surfaces.

Current Rating: Week old tuna sandwich

Sex advice from a D&D player

I found this on the net, I can't remember where, but loved it so much i had to share it here as well ^_^

Someone from Nerve.com asked me if I played D&D and if I’d be willing to participate +in their “Sex Advice from a ...” column. (The theme, this time, being “from a D&D Player.”) I just got an email from her editor saying “we need some responses that aren't so related to the game Dungeons & Dragons.” They ask for comedy gold, yet I had already given them comedy platinum! (And they would obviously rather laugh at someone than laugh with them.)

My lover and I enjoy role-play, but I've gotten tired of the same clich scenarios like student/teacher and boss/secretary. Any recommendations for new roles that might help spice it up?
I don't know what system you're playing, but “student/teacher” and “boss/secretary” do not sound like choices that would inspire one to role-playing greatness. Consider a classic like 'cleric of the watcher from the depths/virgin' or “half-orc paladin/gelatinous cube.” And remember, silken rope may be more expensive, but it's nearly half the weight in encumbrance.

I’ve been dating someone really great for a few months, but he's never referred to me as his girlfriend. How do I take it to another Level?
While the obvious answer is “Accomplish a story task in the boyfriend track for XP equal or greater to your next level threshold,” I get the feeling you might be hinting that you want to descend into the fetid labyrinth that festers beneath his ancient wizard's tower. In that case the stairs are in quadrant M23, behind the Throne of the Kobold Hetman.

I'm into S&M and so is my lover, but we can't afford to visit a dungeon. How can we create a dungeon ambiance at home without going broke?
It's been years since I've seen anyone playing that proto-system “Swords & Magic!” Kudos to your fine taste; And huzzah. Do not discount the scene-setting potential of ambient background noise. May I recommend “Swords & Magic Scintillating Soundscapes: Volume IV: Bigby's Blue Basement”? (Available on reel-to-reel and microcassette.)

What's more important: 18 Dexterity, or 18 Endurance (or 18 Charisma)?
Note: “Endurance” is, in D&D parlance, “Constitution.” I mean duh!
Depending on your chosen character class, any could important. A high charisma makes it dead simple to lure lusty tavern wenches up to your three-copper mat of straw. (Hint: Use clean straw for that special someone!) A high Constitution allows one to produce up to 1d3+1 draughts of seminal fluid per round, ensuring a high success percentage on any procreation rolls. I have heard - and ye be tellin' no man n'er beast from whence this knowledge sprang - that a high Dex gives one the ability to give pleasure to others. I suspect it's an urban arcanum legend.

I think nerdy women are hot. Where and how do I meet them?
Where? 1. DragonCon 2. WyrmCon 3. WyvernCon 4. TiamatCon 5. The Texas Instruments Graphing Calculator Showroom.
How? I recommend telephoto lens, at least 300mm.

My girlfriend is older and more experienced than me. What can I do to impress her in bed?
Ah ha! Clearly you are looking for Feats, introduced in the Third Edition ruleset, which offer a variety of abilities that can be used to impress or distract your opponent. Consider: “Acrobatic,” “Alertness,” “Animal Affinity,” “Armor Proficiency (Medium),” and “Athletic.” (And that’s just from the As!)
See also: “Blind-Fight,” “Cleave,” “Craft Rod,” “Deflect Arrows,” “Enlarge Spell,” “Extend Spell,” “Greater Two-Weapon Fighting,” “Iron Will,” “Mounted Combat,” “Rapid Reload,” or “Shot on the Run.” (Actually, pretty much all the Feats are gold.)

What skills do D&D players have that can be applied to sex?
I can open a two-liter of Mountain Dew with the armored ridge of my taint. ’nuff said.

Is it possible to have sex with someone if you don't respect their character?
No. If you can't pretend to respect the person they pretend to be, how can they expect you to pretend to respect the person they are? Ask them to re-roll.

I am a 27-year old virgin. It's not that I'm unattractive or totally uncool, I just never found anyone I really wanted. But now I'm ready. Where should I go to lose my virginity in a really memorable way?
Chuck, you asshole. It's one thing to miss the game but you were on Burrito Supreme duty. Get thee over to my place tomorrow and we’ll do a solo adventure that should satisfy your curiosity. Bring your latex dice bag.

I have a medieval costume fetish. How do I interest a partner in this?
Easy as regenerating a limb with troll's blood! Are you a woman? Simply dress up in a bikini, link together a few pop can tabs into something resembling chain mail, and drape your “armor” over your crotch or breasts.
Are you a man? Oh, fucking forget about it. You can call it your “Wand of Wonder” all you like but she’s still going to laugh at your cape.